


Should I Pretend I Never Want To See You Again

by captkatebae



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 17:51:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14753505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captkatebae/pseuds/captkatebae
Summary: Set several weeks after their return from the Delta Quadrant, Admiral Janeway tries to move forward with her own happiness even though the budding relationship between Chakotay and Seven of Nine has left her feeling betrayed and in search of her own happiness.  Her decision to distance herself from the Voyager crew she views as another sacrifice but some bonds are too strong to break.





	1. To Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [laurita_ST](https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurita_ST/gifts).



> I don't remember the exact prompt, but thought of this in connection with the "5 Times" JC fanfics I've read. This is the five times Chakotay and Janeway were adulterous - it came to me late one night. 
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you to MiaCooper; you are an awesome beta! It wouldn't be nearly as good without all of your help and suggestions.

Chapter 1

The touch of his lips barely grazed her ear, but when he softly kissed her hair the heated breath that drifted to her neck sent reverberations to the tips of her toes. The act was seductive without being invasive. Just the tips of his fingertips could be felt through the material of her uniform as the subtle heat radiated into the flesh at the small of her back. 

When he had taken her hand, she spread her fingers and laid her palm on his chest while his lay overtop, securing her to him. At some point their gentle sway to the music was barely noticeable as their feet slowed. A suggestive silence ensued, wrapped in each other’s arms. Her cheek brushed against the fabric of his starched shirt as she lifted her head from his shoulder; when had that happened? And when they withdrew far enough so that she could finally see the outline of his lips, parted in unfathomable anticipation, their breath mingled, the silence that encapsulated the moment became a warning cry blaring in her mind: get out now!

=/\=  
Kathryn had been hesitant to walk into the holodeck, where the anniversary party was in full swing. With Tom and B’Elanna’s wedding anniversary party scheduled the same day as Starfleet’s Admiral conference and dinner, she had declined her invitation from the Paris’. But then Tom had communicated with her privately and practically begged her to be in attendance; “It would mean the world to B’Elanna.” That had an effect on her; B’Elanna would always be a special friend. 

Admittedly she had been distant over the past couple of months since their return to Earth. She had her reasons. Not everything had gone the way she expected. Granted, the celebrations that had ensued upon their return were magnificent, but she had more to face with the Starfleet brass than initially thought. 

Her relationship with her crew had been called into question; not one of her superiors would ever understand what it was like to be in command and to isolate yourself when you had no family or friends outside of the people that answered to you. Some of them were sympathetic but no one truly understood. And yet it had been a pointed decision after her debriefings to distance herself from the crew that was now family; in her own way it was to protect them. 

Yet here she was. When Kathryn had entered the holodeck simulation that Tom had spent endless hours arranging specifically for the anniversary party, she already knew she shouldn’t have come. 

Venice. 

No one could possibly know what that meant to her except for one person. One person she truly did not want to run into tonight. She grabbed a glass of red wine from the tray of a passing waiter and took a long sip.

The sounds, the colors, the smells, the lilting music, it all brought her back to a time that had once been a source of hope. At least up until two months ago. Begrudgingly, she pasted her best smile on her face, lifted her chin and began to mingle through the crowd looking for the special couple. This was for them and she wouldn’t allow her own misgivings to spoil it, but as soon as she had spent a respectable amount of time with them, she would be on her way. 

=/\=

As the newly appointed Admiral walked through those in attendance, many would stand at attention as she casually waved her hand, signaling them to remain at ease. He had seen the brief ghost that passed over her face when she had walked in but in an instant, she collected herself and all signs of apprehension were gone. He knew what it was; the Venice program. No one but the two of them would understand the meaning and now, no one else ever would.

Hope. It was once something he had clung onto with every passing day. As it had ebbed and flowed over the years, it would always resurface and gain momentum over late night candlelight dinners. But all traces were gone now. 

Hope had materialized in the strangest of forms, a beautiful statuesque ex-Borg. Someone who wanted him, who had pursued him. Sometimes things in life don’t go the way you expect, he thought to himself, and your future can be found in the opposite direction from where you’ve been looking. 

Truthfully, he had been looking in the same direction for seven long years and it took a Seven to adjust his line of sight.

It had been one month and two weeks since he had last communicated with Kathryn. Apparently, the Admiral had a preconceived notion of what that position included or didn’t include when it came to the people that she had served with for the last seven years. Even through all of the extravaganzas of returning home, Kathryn’s absence was noticeable. Seven had questioned him several times about the evident distance their Captain had placed between herself and the Voyager crew. He had no answers for her. A small piece of him wondered if his new relationship with Seven was a factor. Of course, Kathryn would never admit to that.

He missed her. 

=/\=

She had left the party over an hour ago but still wasn’t ready to find her way back to her empty apartment. The wind off the San Francisco bay was brisk even through her dress uniform as she wandered some of the paths in the quiet park. At least it ought to help to clear her head.

All said and done she had probably drunk an entire bottle of wine herself; she had been influenced to drink more than usual, she told herself. Amidst all of the friends she knew, she had been uncomfortable at the party. Most of the conversations had been welcome as she heard of future plans for several of the crewman she had lost contact with: futures in Starfleet, future families and futures in settling back down on Earth were all welcome topics. 

Welcome except for perhaps one couple. A verbal, “Ugh,” spat from her mouth as she rolled her eyes towards the visible stars above. She would never admit to a soul the way she was feeling; most people would probably tell her she had no right to the emotions consuming her. 

Pain. Kathryn had felt true pain in her life, several times. Those were memories she kept buried within the deepest space of her subconscious as there was no reason to dwell on them. This wasn’t the same; it was tainted with bitterness. I sacrificed, she reminded herself. I put everyone and their needs first to ensure we got home. And as much as she gave, there was a betrayal that bubbled up from those closest to her, from those she had given the most of herself to. She burped up a pang of loathing along with the overconsumed red wine.

Questions blurred the path she walked along with the wild assessments her mind brought to the forefront. What was she truly feeling? Was it pain? Or was it anger? Or could it be some perfect blend that was creating the raging monster within her? Whatever it was, it was unworthy of the woman she had strived to be for a long time.

“I am stronger than this,” she said aloud. 

Kathryn had in her life what she had always cherished most: a fantastic career and future in Starfleet. Relationships be damned. She was a perfectionist when it came to digging in to the abundance of work surrounding her. Plagued by her own personal misfortunes, any time for self-pity could be exchanged for long hours in the office. 

Resolved, she was ready to return home and see what a new day brought. 

And yet, she knew it was time to say goodbye on her own terms. “Fine,” she began talking to herself again, “I’ll grieve Venice one final time.”

=/\=

He circled through the bistro tables collecting glasses with wine stains and plates with remnants of food crumbs as he handed them off to the holographic waiters. It was a fruitless work that didn’t need completed but was nonetheless cathartic. He moved slowly and decisively as he listened to the ebbing music. He was alone. The party had died down after Tom and B’E had left and although some had stayed around for one more nightcap, it wasn’t long before the holodeck had emptied.

He didn’t mind the peaceful time. It was a rare moment to himself to contemplate as even Seven had left early. With a kiss to the forehead, he had wished her goodnight, letting her know he would be returning to his own apartment that night.

Seven. Her advances had been a surprise, an actual shock to the system. And yet everything had seemed to make sense in the Delta Quadrant. It was fun and exciting, their new relationship. The secrecy to the whole thing had been daring and being in a real relationship had been only a fitful dream for a long time. 

But in the Alpha Quadrant everything had changed. The quiet subtlety to their relationship, the secretive escapes to learn more about one another, that was all gone. Seven had practically become a celebrity overnight with their return. She was being pulled in every imaginable direction and his role in her life had changed dramatically. 

He was reminiscent of the intimate time he had spent with her, discovering all of the quirky nuances to her personality. They were pieces of her that he had come to love and that were adopted into their budding relationship. Now their time was filled with navigating new complexities that arose from the abundance of her social interactions. Frenzied days brought about social anxiety. It was tough on both of them. 

It was those most recent stresses in their new lives that had landed them quickly in bed. 

He had at first chastised himself for moving into an intimate relationship overnight, but the intimacy of their nights had re-established his faith in their relationship. She needed him mentally and emotionally so it was only natural that she desired to have him physically. 

Somewhere along the way she had learned to be persuasive, not that sleeping with his knockout of a girlfriend took much convincing. Under surmounting anxiety, the sound of falling asleep and waking up in one another’s arms was comforting. That was a pleasure he hadn’t enjoyed in over seven years. And yet their initial sexual encounters were mechanical, not the “love-making” he had envisioned. All in due time, he reminded himself. 

Time was all he had assumed Kathryn needed too. He exhaled, irritated at just trying to decipher what had happened to her recently. When his life was flipped upside down, one of the biggest factors lacking was his strength: her. So many unanswered questions he doubted she would ever allow him to ask. If tonight was any indication, the cold shoulder was all he could expect from her going forward. And if truly his relationship with Seven had anything to do with Kathryn’s non-existence in their lives now, the least she could do was damn well confront him about it. Perhaps she wanted the same honesty from him. 

He wasn’t as happy as he should be, after everything they had given to get home. When was he going to take the steps necessary to ensure his own personal happiness, he questioned himself, not in the least bit selfishly. If he and Seven would be happy away from the distraction of Starfleet’s prying eyes and out of the orbit of the woman that no longer had a use for them, what was holding him back? He needn’t be loyal to Starfleet and definitely not the woman that had abandoned them the moment their feet touched ground. Ruminating in his dark thoughts, he didn’t hear the door to the holodeck slide open. 

=/\=

She was surprised to still find the program running; it had been hours since she left. As she had approached the holodeck to activate the Venice program, it had startled her when the computer distinctly stated, “Holodeck program Venice Delta 6 is still in operation.” Puzzled, she wondered if the last person to leave had drank enough wine to forget to deactivate the program.

Walking up to the doors, she paused before taking the next big step to say goodbye. Taking a deep breath, she entered the well-known scape in front of her. Just as she had expected, the familiarity of this program brought back a rush of emotions. It was unimaginable that somewhere she had spent so little time could still make her feel excitement and joy, mingled with a minor sadness and yet still seductive in nature. The hope that once stirred in her bones just at the mention of Venice was now a bleak emptiness, never to be fulfilled. 

In a stupor and against her better judgement, she found another full bottle of wine surrounded by used glasses. She plucked one glass from the group that was still clean and poured herself a generous serving. Liquid courage was necessary to put this night to rest, at least that’s what she told herself.

Strolling down the brick paved streets and sipping on the velvety contents of her glass, she questioned what she was here to say goodbye to. They had never really been in a relationship. She hadn’t recently provided him with any promises. And their talk of hope, God it had been so ambiguous on her part and it had been years ago! But that’s what she did best, right? At least with him. Hide everything that could turn into conflict. She was content with what they had, so why rock the boat? She needed him and anything that could come in the way of their relationship, the trust and loyalty she had with him, was dangerous and could not be tolerated in the Delta Quadrant. 

But that was there and this was now! Now was too late. Frustrated and defeated, she allowed her bitterness to simmer right below the surface. She threw the wine bottle then, watching some of the contents spurt from its open mouth into the air, as the bottle hurtled in an arc to shatter into a million pieces on the rigid floor of the table lined patio in front of her. 

That was when she saw him.

He jerked and moved to cover his head at the explosive sound as the glass bottle made contact with the ground. 

=/\=

“Jesus Christ Kathryn,” Chakotay choked out, still stunned. “What were you trying to do? Deal me a death blow?” 

He had practically jumped out of his skin at the explosion behind him. With his heart still racing, he had turned to see whom had invaded his peaceful sanctuary. He wasn’t sure if he was more surprised by the bursting bottle or seeing Kathryn Janeway standing across the canal from him.

From the look of dread on her face, Chakotay understood immediately that she had not expected him to be here either.  
With that knowledge present he gently questioned her again, “What are doing here?”

Her mouth opened again in answer, before she pursed her lips and mumbled, “I thought I was alone.” 

“That doesn’t really answer my question.”

“And at what point did I start reporting to you?” she questioned back haughtily, her attitude changing from quiet reserve to pronounced arrogance.  
Chakotay was disappointed and irritated with the immediate change. “Well I guess that type of questioning is just par for the course for you now isn’t Admiral,” he shot back.

Eyebrows wrinkled in mock astonishment, she replied, “How would you know what’s par for the course?” She huffed, placing her hand on her hip. “Do you have any idea what I’ve been through since we got back, Chakotay?”

“Should I?” he practically spat back, walking forward on the patio and closing the gap between them. “Kathryn you have been non-existent since we have gotten home. It’s like you disappeared leaving this crew in the dust. The Admiral is just too important and busy, is that it?”

“How dare you make that accusation! This crew – they have been my everything. I spent seven hard years thinking of nothing but getting them home. And all that Starfleet Command focuses on is every little nuance, every insignificant decision I’ve made along the way. I’ve been under a damn microscope!”

Chakotay shook his head exasperated, “And it is just like you to take it all upon yourself. It never EVER occurs to you that maybe, just maybe, someone could be there for you, to help you. You isolate yourself to your own detriment” 

“I did that for the crew,” she shook her head in disgust glaring at him, her lips parted slightly. “No one else should have to endure this burden. You wouldn’t understand that though, would you? You’ve been busy,” she turned her head slightly, a mocking smile formed on her lips.

“What the fuck does that mean?” he raged.

“You know damn well what I’m talking about. When were you going to tell me?” she questioned eyebrows raised. “We’ve always been allies; there’s no need for secrets between us.”

“So close Kathryn,” he remarked, “you almost let your real feelings show. Is that it though – allies? That’s what we were to each other?”

Her imperious air drained away as she remained silent, looking at him. It was deathly quiet until a soft song started lilting into the empty expanse around them. He recognized it immediately – the song they had danced to so many light years away from here. 

He could tell she recognized it too. A calm came over her as though struck as she softly responded, “You know what I meant.”

His temper cooled but he would not allow her to continue in ambiguity. “Do I? Tell me, Kathryn,” he prodded. 

Her words were barely a whisper, “Chakotay, I can’t. Not now.” Her eyes were pleading with him. “And I came here to…” she trailed off then, looking out into the distance. 

He felt her slipping away. “Dance with me,” he requested, walking towards her and extending his hand for her to take. She shifted her feet, turning to look over her shoulder, searching for the closest exit. “Kathryn,” he tenderly inquired again.

She looked back at him then, finally meeting his eyes and outstretching her hand. He grasped onto it like a lifeline and pulled her towards him. Walking her to the center of the cobbled patio, he swung her around and drew her close against him. Her hand came to rest on his chest and he placed his atop the smooth alabaster skin of her fingers, feeling his heart beating beneath their resting hands. 

He moved his other hand to the small of her back and relished in the feel of her against him and her familiar fragrance. 

He began moving them, letting their bodies sway to the music. A mild sense of déjà vu coursed through him. A simple question escaped him. “You remember?”

“How could I forget?” Answering a question with another question was her specialty. Then she mumbled, “I thought perhaps you had.” Her face was no longer visible to him as she rested her cheek on his shoulder.

Whether she had meant it to or not, it stung, but he held his ground. “You led me to believe you wanted me to forget,” he confessed. She didn’t answer. Sinking further into his hold, she leaned on him heavily. Kathryn had always been a fighter, but she felt tired in his arms. 

He should have stopped himself, but he bowed his head slightly, enticed by the golden auburn hair tickling his cheek and brushed his lips against the soft tresses. 

=/\=

He was bewitching. She couldn’t calm the unwanted response of her body to him. Gently she lifted her head off of his chest and her eyes rested on his dangerous lips. GET OUT NOW – her mind screamed. 

She reluctantly pulled away from him, letting her eyes drop to her feet as she stepped back. “I told you I couldn’t do this. We shouldn’t be doing this.” 

The next words that she heard stopped her short. “This is just like you, isn’t it? You face everything head on, except for this. Except for us.”

Her mind was cloudy from more than just the red wine. Why was he speaking of an ‘us’ now, when he was already involved? Hadn’t she come here to say goodbye? “Please don’t try and stop me.”

Reaching for her again, he was adamant, “You know I can’t let you walk out that door.”

She drew back from his reach. “And yet, you know you should.”

“You’ve been running from ‘this’,” he motioned his hand between them, “for so long. Tell me what you really want Kathryn.” 

Her eyes were still planted on the ground. She couldn’t meet his gaze; his imploring eyes would crumble her faltering resolve.

“Tell me.” He was being forceful. “After all this time, why can’t you just be honest with me?”

Piece by piece she was failing. “Because.”

He remained quiet through the agonizing silence.

“Because what I want just brings pain. I’ve done that before, ya’know? I’ve made that selfish choice that brought everyone I was responsible for seven years of tiresome pain. I don’t want to make that same mistake.” Two crocodile tears dropped from her downturned face.

“That’s still what you think,” he beseeched her. “Kathryn, I’ve watched you put everyone’s needs ahead of yours for our entire trip home. You are still doing it!”

Finally, she lifted her chin, meeting his eyes. “You knew how I felt Chakotay – the guilt. Being home hasn’t changed that. My guilt lingers and still I get crucified for my decisions. I needed to distance myself.” She stopped, took a deep breath and continued, “I want…”

He interjected, “You want to stay away? You think that’s best? You want this crew to forget you and all you have done? You want to burden yourself with all of the repercussions that have come down from Starfleet? You want everyone that cares about you to stand by and watch?” The questions came at her rapid fire, hot and furious, until Chakotay stopped to take a breath.

She raised her voice to speak over his increasing volume, “Are you quite finished?” Each word she stressed as she tried remaining calm during his tirade. But his words had gotten beneath her skin, digging and searching for the deeply buried truth. Abandoning a secret hiding place, the truth finally pushed its way free, slipping from her lips. 

“I want you to fuck me.”

Chakotay froze, stunned. She watched him nervously, searching for his reaction, begging for understanding with her eyes. An agonizingly long moment later, he rushed to her. 

They were crashing cymbals that came together in a cacophony of hands, lips, tongues and staggering legs. Chakotay pushed her body against a low table while her hands worked furiously at the buttons of his shirt. When her fingers weren’t nimble and fast enough, she opted to tear at the two ends, sending buttons flying. His chest was smooth and tight drawing her lips to taste him. 

Her dress uniform was no match for Chakotay’s strong hands as they pulled open her jacket in one swift movement. In her nude bra her breasts heaved in front of him as she tried to suck in much needed breaths. 

Urgently, her hands moved down his chest, where her mouth had just been planted, to his stomach, a trail of hair disappearing under the clasp of his pants. Her fingers were frantic until his head dove down to her breasts, sucking almost painfully on the ivory mounds. She gasped loudly as he pushed her back onto the table top, her hands knitting in his peppered hair.

His strong mouth moved over her, his nose trailing the arched lines of her full breasts, until he bit down onto the soft material of her bra where her nipple was raised in anticipation. Her mouth fell open and she relished in the small pain that kept her thoughts focused on the pleasure he was giving her. Her hands guided his head to the other breast in full want of the same attention. 

Instinctively, her legs encircled his torso pulling his pelvis close against her. He was hard between her legs and she was slick under the layers of material. She brushed herself against him, the friction sending electric pulses throughout her body. 

Understanding her needy movements, Chakotay moved his hands to her dress pants and pulled them sharply from her body; her pants and underwear coming off together. Her core bared to him, his eyes gazed upon her only momentarily before his mouth twitched wanting to taste her. It was swift, his head between her thighs as he first breathed her in and then licked her wetness.

She shuddered at the intimate touch, so devout, so sensual. Another minute and she would have come unapologetically. But she wanted him to take her. Grasping his shoulders, she pulled his attention back up her body. 

Moving to sit up, her hands went back to work on his trousers and together, they freed him from those confines. Fingers planted firmly on his hips, she pulled him closer. He stopped her then, taking back the reins and dragged her abruptly to the edge of the table. There was no soft entry as he plunged into her slick folds. It was forceful and she flattened her hands on the table top to brace herself. 

His next thrusts were faster and harder, and she threw her head back. Chakotay’s movements were animalistic as he followed her orders and fucked her. Every dark fiber and every malicious inch of her soul was satisfied. There was no real thinking on her part, at least no conscious choice as everything she felt was centered on him plunging into her so hard and so wild that it felt as if she might be torn in two. It was the sweetest pain she had ever felt.

With his mouth planted in the deep ivory valley between her breasts, her mind and body were freed. The pressure of decision making and principles to uphold peeled away from her as pieces of her uniform lay splayed on the table around her. Later she would convince herself this was all unintentional as the vivid memories intruded her consciousness on sleepless nights.


	2. A Tongue-Lashing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay explore whether they can still work together after their affair. Or will their personal lives take hold, affecting their business relationship?
> 
>  
> 
> “You never make things easy, do you,” he started angrily. She wouldn’t look at him so he continued, “And you don’t want to ‘get involved’, huh? You would never insert yourself into my professional life, but what about my personal one?”
> 
> “I’m not sure I understand what you are getting at.” She was trying to brush him off, although she knew full well where this line of conversation was headed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to Mia-Cooper! Your beta-ing skills make this so much better.

Chapter 2:

Quick and easy. She would give him his orders and send him on his way. There was no time for his contemptuous looks, the glaringly obvious guilt trip he would pin to her, the almost certain questions he believed he deserves an answer to that she wished she could jettison out an air lock, never to be heard from again. 

Kathryn’s thumb and forefinger squeezed the bridge of her nose willing the impending migraine to stay at bay. Her frustration existed on several levels. She was pissed that Seven still held her in such high regard; taking to heart and mulling over any suggestions she may recommend. She was incensed that Chakotay couldn’t differentiate between a decision made to ensure his happiness and one that would almost certainly bring him further frustration and pain. And she couldn’t stomach her appalling error in judgement – she had cast the first stone.

She had avoided speaking with Seven directly for over two months. It was the guilt that eventually forced Kathryn to open a comm link to her. At first, Kathryn’s breath hitched in her throat, completely surprised to be speaking to Seven. Now that they were face to face, Kathryn wasn’t sure what to talk about. She started with a lie, “I’ve been meaning to get in touch with you Seven,” but unspoken apologies kept playing through her thoughts. Well into their conversation Kathryn’s heart dropped unexpectedly – Seven and Chakotay were planning on leaving Starfleet, leaving Earth. A new beginning.

How quickly Kathryn had explained to Seven the benefits of staying put. Didn’t she want to continue her exploration of humanity here on Earth? Didn’t she want to follow through with a career in Starfleet? Would she really be comfortable leaving all of her other friends behind? The questions poured from her mouth as she used her influence over Seven to convince her that she shouldn’t go anywhere – staying would be the best decision Seven could make. 

Now, Kathryn pondered over all the reasons she had persuaded Seven to stay. But, Seven’s acquiescence meant one vital thing to Kathryn – Chakotay stayed too. Just thinking about it, she felt disgusting. She needed a sonic shower to wash the betrayal off her skin. 

There was no further time to ruminate as the door chime to her office sounded. “Come in,” she declared.

=/\=

The sound of his boots on the polished floor echoed through the empty halls. He was walking with such vehemence, anyone that crossed his path would know to stay out of his way. Kathryn had ‘summoned’ him to her office 48 hours earlier. 

~

“Admiral Janeway has something of an urgent matter to discuss with you Captain,” her assistant had explained to him.

“I will be sure to clear my schedule,” Chakotay had remarked with unapparent sarcasm. 

“Thank you. I will inform the Admiral.” And the comm link between himself and the Starfleet undergrad went blank.

Chakotay sat there in silence, questioning Kathryn’s tactics. Having her assistant contact him for the appointment set the tone for their meeting – business. But Chakotay had not seen nor spoken to Kathryn since their encounter in Venice. 

The memory of their night together taunted him. As if branded in his thoughts, he could see the milky skin of her neck stretched in front of him, as her head tilted back in ecstasy, lips parted. The sex sounds escaping her lips had driven him to push into her harder and deeper, so inflaming were the drawn-out moans and urgent gasps. She had clutched the edge of the table he was fucking her on, knuckles turned white and perfectly matching the alluring mounds of her breasts that he had littered with small pink bite marks.

“A penny for your thoughts.” 

Chakotay almost knocked over the glass of water on his desk as Seven walked into his study, pulling him from his unfaithful reverie.   
Shutting the top of his monitor he responded half-heartedly, “That is a new expression for you. It caught me off guard.” 

“Just something I picked up from one of Tom’s old cinematic productions. Was it used in an accurate context?” she questioned, bending over him slightly to get a quick kiss.

He avoided her lips and cupping a cheek in his hand, pulled her head lower, kissing her lightly on the forehead. “Yes, perfectly,” he answered.

Smiling at that she continued, “Who was on the comm?”

“Uh, Admiral Janeway’s assistant. She’s asked that I meet with her in a couple days. I’m sure it is work related. You know, I haven’t spoken to her or even said ‘hello’ since the Paris’ anniversary. We are supposed to meet at 1800 hours…at her office.” Chakotay was rambling. 

If Seven noticed, she didn’t mention it. “It must have something to do with your recent promotion – Captain.” Seven was smiling at him and he noticed a twinge of pride; she was exhibiting more human qualities each and every day. 

~

He was nearing her office but was having a hard time collecting himself. He was frustrated, incensed, guilt-ridden and disheartened. Looking back, he should have warned himself that nothing would come of his infidelity. The manner in which Kathryn studiously dressed herself and briefly glanced over her shoulder to mutter a goodbye – those were telling signs.

It wasn’t hard to make the decision that he and Seven start somewhere else, someplace new, but it was a decision that never came to fruition. Kathryn had a way of screwing with his life that he didn’t know how to combat. If it wasn’t him that she held unthinkable power over, it was his girlfriend. 

His rage hit an all time high when Seven said she wanted to stay on Earth. The argument that ensued was callous and hurtful; he said things to her that should have been reserved for the ‘other’ woman. It was a mistake and he had apologized the following day, knowing full well that even he would most likely never be able to leave Kathryn behind. 

Reluctantly, he approached her office door.

=/\=

Chakotay entered her office resolutely. She looked up at him as he stared straight ahead. “Have a seat Captain.” She motioned to one of the chairs in front of her desk.

“I would rather stand, if it won’t be too long Admiral.” Her title rolled off his tongue with contempt. He still would not meet her eyes as his stayed affixed to an ancient figurine displayed on the table behind her.

“Fine.” He was being curt and she could do the same. Grabbing the PADD on her desk, she started to recite his next commission. “Command has issued down orders that Voyager is ready to be taken out of dry dock and put back into service. I’m sure it comes as no surprise that they will be giving command of Voyager to you. And, although I have close connections to that ship, she will remain within my jurisdiction.” 

That got his attention. Chakotay turned a cold gaze her way and his mouth opened to speak, but she held up her hand. “I’m not finished,” she stated brusquely. “It has been determined that diplomacy issues have arisen on Eugaria IV. Your first command will be to report there, escorting diplomat Amirov to the current meetings. This entire mission should last no longer than three months. You will report back to me as needed. All of the specifics are identified here,” she said placing the PADD on the desk and pushing it towards him.

“Permission to speak,” he cut in.

She pinched the bridge of her nose again, pleading that the present migraine recede. “Granted,” she acceded. 

“This commission is not what I agreed to with Starfleet Command.”

“How so?” she questioned.

“Although I was made aware that I would most likely be captaining Voyager, I was also informed that jurisdiction would fall under Admiral Owen Paris. Additionally, my first several missions were only to be scheduled as two-week stints. I expressed the importance of this as my priority is my own personal life until we get acclimated,” he finished.

She knew Chakotay remaining under her command was going to be an issue for him. However, since they would not be working side by side on a daily basis, she assumed they could push past their personal reservations and forge an amicable working relationship. But she didn’t know that he had given the brass stipulations on his time spent away from home. Apparently, he was re-focused on his relationship with Seven; she shouldn’t be surprised. He had planned to leave Earth – to leave her.

“I don’t plan the missions Captain, I just report them,” she stated bluntly.

“As you are once again my commanding officer, for the moment, it would be your place to rectify this situation though,” Chakotay retorted.

If he presumed she would cater to his wishes of removing Voyager from under her command, he was mistaken. It is still more my ship than it will ever be his, she thought heatedly. She stared back at him collecting her thoughts before speaking again. 

“I will not be asking anyone to remove Voyager from my jurisdiction - Admiral’s prerogative. If you have an issue with that, ask for command of another ship and take it up with someone else. As for the mission you have been assigned – deal with it. If and when you are granted another ship to captain, you can request the length of your missions be shortened. I am not getting involved with that.”

Kathryn knew her tone was harsh as she watched Chakotay’s eyes darken. Yet, she wanted him to stay under her command, if only to keep tabs on him. She felt a polar magnetism with Chakotay, understanding that it was best to keep him far away yet hindering herself by drawing him close. She was the one that had vehemently requested Voyager remain under her command, especially when she had found out whom the Captain would be.

Unable to hold his gaze any longer, Kathryn reverted her eyes to the computer screen. 

“You never make things easy, do you,” he started angrily. She wouldn’t look at him so he continued, “And you don’t want to ‘get involved’, huh? You would never insert yourself into my professional life, but what about my personal one?”

“I’m not sure I understand what you are getting at.” She was trying to brush him off, although she knew full well where this line of conversation was headed.

“Do I have to spell it out for you? I know you spoke with Seven and I know she told you our plans. You couldn’t help yourself though. You know the hold you have on her. For some goddamn reason, your word counts for more than anything I say to her,” he said out of exasperation.

Kathryn placed her hands on the desk and folded them, looking at her entwined fingers. “You didn’t have to accept the promotion Chakotay.”

“And was I to leave Seven here, after you talked her into staying on Earth? Was that the point? She could stay, but you wanted me to go?” 

Kathryn felt unwilling to answer his line of questions. He knew the truth, but he was baiting her.

“That wasn’t it though,” he finally stated. He circled around her desk then and she turned in her chair to face him, lips set in a grim line. “You knew if Seven chose to stay, I would too. That I would have no real choice but to remain in Starfleet because that is what Seven would want from me.” He leaned over her then, placing his palms on the arm rests of her chair. “What I don’t understand is why – why go to all that trouble when you had me fuck you in Venice as a goodbye?”

Raising her chin to pointedly meet his gaze, she stated defiantly, “You are out of line Captain!”

“Where’s the line Kathryn? We tiptoed a line for seven years, but it’s been washed away. What do you want from me?” The question was real. He didn’t know where she stood as she had never offered a word of explanation to him – not one word since Venice.

Observing him, she was unsure of her next words. Shakily she said, “Do you remember what you told me? That you couldn’t let me walk out that door. I panicked Chakotay. I couldn’t let you go; I couldn’t lose you.”

His eyes took on a sadness. “But Kathryn, you had come to say goodbye – that is what you wanted. That is all that ‘that’ was, right?”

She stared at him then, biting her lower lip, frightened to say anything more.

Upset and hurt, he shook his head, ready to leave.

I can’t let you walk out that door, played in her head. Her hands were on either side of his face, drawing him down to her. 

=/\=

Passionately, he tasted her. Lips pressed hard against one another, Kathryn didn’t restrain the small, “mmm,” of desire that escaped her. Their mouths moved in sync, brushing and then demanding. He trailed his tongue over her lips and she eagerly opened her mouth to allow him access. Their tongues met intensely, dancing together. A breath he didn’t take, until her hands pulled him away. 

Lustful eyes drawn together like a tractor beam, Chakotay kneeled in front of her. She didn’t stop him; she didn’t even pretend to stop his hands when they went to the belt of her uniform and undid the clasp, pulling the leather from around her waist. Meticulously, he unzipped her uniform jacket. Next came her pants as his hands worked agilely on the fastener and then slid them down her legs and over her boots.

He didn’t touch her panties or the boots – those stayed on. Never breaking eye contact, he took her left leg and placed it over his shoulder. Instinctively she lifted her right leg, bracing her boot on the edge of the desk. She had opened herself to him. 

With her leg resting on his shoulder, he ran his hand up and down her thigh. She was starting to breathe heavier and licked her lips as she watched him. He turned his head to kiss the inside of her thigh, right above her knee and then continued further south – leaving a trail of warmth on her skin. His free hand moved to grasp securely around her waist, sliding under the material of her tank. He pulled her closer.

Kathryn finally let her eye lids shut as her hands clutched the armrests of the chair. 

Finally reaching the material of her panties, Chakotay nuzzled the crotch with his nose first. She smelled like desire. “Oh god Chakotay,” she panted, her head twisting on the back of the chair. He licked the thin material and she bit down on her lip.

Moving his hand from her waist, his fingers slid the soft cotton panties to the side, exposing her. He let his tongue run over her gently, causing her to buck slightly. His tongue became more aggressive on her folds, licking and tasting her wetness. When he began to suck, interspersed with this tongue diving into her and then gliding out, her legs trembled uncontrollably and her moans echoed through the office.

He could sense how close she was – that she wouldn’t be satisfied with climaxing only once. Flicking her clit hard with his tongue, his lips encircled her once again until her body arched in a final, beautiful spasm. She went limp in her chair, her lungs taking in deep breaths.

When her eyes opened, her fingers moved gingerly from the chair to play in the short-cropped hair along his hairline. There was a sadness to the touch but her eyes spoke of unfulfilled desire. As her fingers flitted through his hair and then suddenly grasped the strands harder, he knew she was ready for more.

~

He finally stood. She stared up at him from her seat, eyes glazed from the multiple orgasms she had succumbed to. He knew he had a talented mouth. Remembering heatedly what her mouth had felt like on his skin, he stood waiting for her, legs trembling. When she made no immediate move towards him, he knew what should come next – his leave.

In an effort to tear himself from her, he took his first step back. Suddenly, she slid from her chair. On her knees, her hands grasped the back of his upper thighs and pulled him towards her once again. 

She didn’t need help with the uniform pants; she had worn them long enough that to unfasten them was no challenge. They fell from his hips. Her fingertips gently slid under the band of his boxers and she eased them down his body. With the material at his knees, she took a brief moment to lick the precum from the tip of his cock. 

Kathryn’s hair was pulled back, but he couldn’t resist allowing his fingers to wind themselves through the taut strands, loosening some to softly frame her determined face. 

Disposing of his boxers, her hands moved to grasp his buttocks, holding them in her hands and massaging. He was living a vivid fantasy.   
Eyes centered on his manhood, she took his tip into her mouth, stroking with her tongue. He felt himself losing balance and grappled for the edge of her desk. 

She moved a hand to cup his scrotum before taking him fully into her mouth. Her lips encircled him and caressed his length, up and down.   
The sensual movements put him in a trance. His eyes shut and time blurred as she moved faster and faster pulling him along with her. He exploded in physical and mental euphoria – calling out her name. 

=/\=

Drinking him in, Kathryn blushed. Her name had come blissfully from this mouth, but loudly. Chakotay remained slumped over her. Removing the excess from her lips with the back of her hand, she stood, trying to collect herself. 

Reaching for her discarded clothing, she needed to dress before they could talk. In my office, she thought ruefully. It was quiet as they both dressed.  
Her hair was still in shambles when she turned to him and he looked blindly at her. Stepping forward, she placed a hand to his chest. It was meant to be reassuring but they were both searching each other’s eyes for answers. 

She started slowly, “We are going to have to talk about this.”

His mouth opened in response when they heard a frantic knock at the door.


	3. The Deceitful Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There’s a woman waiting for me, several doors down,” he emphasized, his hand pointing back towards the door.
> 
> “I know,” she whispered now in front of him.
> 
> “Doesn’t it hurt you,” he was pleading with her, “knowing that she’s in my quarters waiting for me? Knowing that I will be going to her after this?”
> 
> “Of course it does,” she proclaimed with saddened eyes. “I never intended for things to happen this way Chakotay and I can’t think…I can’t fight my way out of it. Every scenario, every outcome ends badly for someone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where my mind went with this chapter, but kudos to MiaCooper for trying to keep me right - and I do mean trying. It any of it seems "off" it's because I proceeded without heeding her cautions.

Chapter 3:

There had been no time to talk. 

Diplomatic tension had escalated on Eugaria IV and what had been accomplished over the course of months was about to fall apart. The expertise of the diplomat Amirov was required as soon as possible which meant Voyager’s launch would happen sooner than planned.

A week after their arrival, meetings had been resumed and were moving in a positive direction. All necessary reports were uploaded from Voyager and transmitted directly to Admiral Janeway for review.

“Transmission complete,” Chakotay confirmed as the Admiral’s computer beeped. Unsure of how to end their comm, he hesitated, “That’s all there is to report.”

Neither ready to end the transmission, Kathryn lifted her hand to the screen as if she could touch him, press her hand to his. He returned the gesture and spoke tentatively, “We never talked Kathryn. Where do we go from here?” 

She had played multiple scenarios out in her head and none of them ended well. She couldn’t satisfy Chakotay’s desire to settle down and have a family – she didn’t know if she would ever be ready for that. Admittedly, she wasn’t ready now. If Seven found out about this affair and worse yet that Kathryn had asked Chakotay to leave her, their relationship would never be the same. She could turn her back on this whole thing and pretend it never happened. But her selfish actions belied that. Kathryn wasn’t ready to make a decision. 

Retracting her hand as if burned, she said coldly, “Thank you Captain. I’ll speak to you again in another five days.”

Going forward, the mission’s communications between the two of them remained straightforward and devoid of emotion. 

=/\=

Seven weeks and two days after Voyager’s departure, Admiral Janeway was on a transport of her own to Eugaria IV. All diplomatic relations had come to a very positive conclusion and congratulations were in order all around. The Admiral was set to host a final dinner event for all parties involved. 

Kathryn accepted the invitation. Apprehensive of their next face-to-face meeting, she knew Chakotay would want to speak with her privately and she had nothing solid and defining to offer him. Her principles had always taken first place in her life, but she was waging an internal battle. Strong rooted desires had already taken hold. 

She had fucked up. The blatant decision to have sex with a man she knew was involved with a dear and close friend of her’s was now a part of her tarnished history. Trying to fit all of the broken pieces back together was impossible. 

Despite her dulled conscience she longed to see him again. Detrimental as it was to dwell on desires, her daydreams were littered with thoughts of her and Chakotay’s breath mingled, the feel of his lips as they brushed her neck and the way she wanted to trace his body with her fingertips. With no clean fix in sight and the damage already done, ending their delicious rendezvous became less and less of a priority. 

Later news came that Seven of Nine would be joining their transport. She had requested a short leave to visit Chakotay at the end of his mission before he would be deployed again and since congratulations were in order, what better gift than to surprise him with a few days together.  
Kathryn was exasperated with the news. Any plans she had of spending time alone with Chakotay would now be thwarted. 

On such a small ship, Kathryn was bound to run into Seven on a daily basis, let alone the occasions Seven sought her out. At times the Admiral would feign work overload and spend the majority of her day in designated quarters. But, the times that couldn’t be avoided, she smiled as she listened to all of the future plans Seven had, which included a life with Chakotay.

“I find him to be more than a satisfactory fit for me Admiral,” Seven told her.

Forcing a smile, Kathryn admitted, “It truly seems that way Seven. I – I’m happy for you.”

Seven looked at her quizzically, “Does this topic make you uncomfortable?”

Janeway knew that the smile had not reached her eyes. “No, Seven,” she lied, “I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately. I’m sorry if I have seemed detached.”

That answer seemed to satisfy Seven. “It is understandable that with your new position and the workload you have been assigned, your time for personal relationships would be hindered.”

“Thank you for your understanding, Seven,” Kathryn replied with relief.

“But, at some point you may also want to find happiness of your own,” Seven pointed out to the already torn Admiral.

Shaking her head, Kathryn acknowledged the comment, “Thank you again Seven.” She then found an excuse to dismiss herself and returned to quarters. If Seven only knew the damnable actions she had already partaken of to quench her corrupt happiness.

=/\=

The concluding dinner to diplomatic relations went off without a hitch - mostly. 

Chakotay had arrived with Seven on his arm. Kathryn acknowledged him with a half-smile and when their eyes met, Chakotay quickly turned away. Kathryn tried to let the minor slight roll of her back, but a small pang of jealously slipped through her. 

It was clear that he was uncomfortable. Anyone that knew him, would sense it, including her and Seven. He moved with a stiffness, as if he was unable to relax and the playful, happy dimpled smile that she was accustomed to didn’t grace his face.

As pre-dinner drinks were handed out, Kathryn noticed Seven escort Chakotay to a quiet and private corner. Concern was visible on Seven’s face as she spoke softly to him, placing a hand on his arm. He was dismissive of her, quickly hushing her in order to return to the assembled guests. Kathryn wondered what Seven was intuiting Chakotay’s strange behavior to. 

Admiral Janeway sat at one head of the table, while the senior Eugarian diplomat, Grek’lgo was placed at the other. To Janeway’s left Captain Chakotay stirred restlessly on his chair and across from him was diplomat Amirov. Seven would have been located next to Chakotay, but the Eugarian natives were so interested in the ex-Borg that she had taken a seat further down the table, to the left of Grek’lgo. 

Talk at the table was enthusiastic and animated. After Admiral Janeway had toasted the gathering and well-wished all future endeavors, little pockets of conversation broke out around the table. 

Kathryn forced herself to concentrate on the conversation bubbling up around her. It was daunting with Chakotay so close. She found her mind and eyes wandering to those lips. Quickly she averted her gaze; she had been staring at those lips.

Chakotay avoided her. Several times she had tried to draw his gaze, but he remained diligent conversating with the other guests, looking at this plate or across the table at Amirov. The minutes ticked by and then an hour. She was rattled by his refusal to acknowledge her, but determined to gain his attention.

Purposefully, Kathryn dropped the napkin from her lap. Bending to retrieve it, she inconspicuously reached to clutch his hand. He rested it on his knee as her thumb traced along his extended fingers. 

When she lifted her head back up over the table, he was looking at her, finally. His mouth twitched and he raised a questioning eyebrow at her before he quickly went back to a masked face, asking Amirov to tell the Admiral more about their negotiations.

Kathryn crossed her legs, running the toe of her boot up Chakotay’s calf to rest behind his knee. He didn’t react. She privately scolded herself for the brazen act when she felt his hand grasp her ankle. Keeping her foot in place, she felt Chakotay’s hand brush under the material of her uniform pants and gently caress her skin. His thumb was moving in small circles. She tried desperately to remain focused on the conversation, but the warmth of his fingers on her skin sent a shiver through her body. 

Her mind was fuzzy. Those fingers could do magical things. 

“Admiral,” Chakotay said. She looked at him, puzzled – why was he calling attention to them? His hand stopped moving. “Admiral, what do you think of Grek’lgo’s suggestion of sharing technological information in order to further protect our boundaries against unknown alien advancements?”

Kathryn’s mind was in a haze, swimming in the complexity of the question without knowing the specifics. She turned to look down the table and all eyes were on her. Heat rose from her neck and reached her cheeks as she remained awkwardly speechless. Setting her eyes on Grek’lgo she apologized, “I’m so sorry, Diplomat Grek’lgo, I didn’t hear the specifics. Could you elaborate for me?”

Grek’lgo, ever the diplomat that loved to hear himself speak, launched into the details again. Kathryn focused on his words but out of the corner of her eye saw Seven watching her. Seven then looked to Chakotay and finally to the empty space between them.

Kathryn jerked back in her chair, sitting upright. She had unknowingly been leaning into the Captain and he into her. As if sensing something was amiss, Seven studied their corner of the table. If Kathryn hadn’t known better, she would have sworn Seven had heightened Borg vision that allowed her to see beneath the wooden table top. Feeling the flush on her face deepen, she set her eyes on Grek’lgo.

She could feel Chakotay straighten in the chair next to her and release her ankle. He kept his sight on Seven, shaking his head slightly as if to assure her that whatever she was thinking, she was jumping to conclusions. What a mind game they were playing with her. 

Before another incident could occur, Kathryn excused herself from dinner. Dropping her head slightly as she walked from the dining room she chastised herself – this isn’t you Kathryn. 

=/\=

Chakotay pressed the chime to her door. He felt his hands shaking slightly with nerves and clutched them together to keep them steady. Come on dammit, he thought, don’t leave me out here hanging. Impatiently he pressed the chime again.

He heard the soft, “Come in,” and rushed into the privacy of her quarters as soon as the door had opened to him. 

It was dark, only the light from the stars and the planet they orbited casting light into Kathryn’s quarters. She stood in the doorway of the sleeping area dressed only in a pink silk robe, the tie loosely secured about her waist. He took another step into the room, drawn to her.

She walked towards him as though he were a mirage. “I’m surprised you came.”

“Are you?” He stumbled, “I just thought, I mean. I thought that with, well with everything you were doing, or did, at the table.”

Close enough that he could now really see her, he let his gaze drop to take in her form. The peaks of her breasts pushed furtively against the silk, begging for escape. His eyes ran the length of her body, watching the silk dance seductively over her curves. With each step she took, the robe swept open, revealing her long legs. His mouth parted as he took in the sight of her porcelain thighs. 

“I’ll be honest,” she conceded, her eyes soft, “I don’t know what I’m doing around you anymore.” 

“What’s the end result Kathryn?” He needed an answer. He hoped this wasn’t one of Kathryn’s games – toying with him until she found an excuse to cut him off. He wanted a sure future: a wife, a family, a home to settle down in. If the Delta Quadrant taught him anything, it was that he was done being a nomad. What if he was throwing away a real future with the woman just down the corridor for several one-night stands? Seven was the closest he had ever come to a stable and tangible future. 

And yet, Kathryn was constantly in his thoughts. Since he had tasted the forbidden fruit – his thoughts wandered to her, he visualized her face during the throes of passion. 

She remained quiet as she unconsciously licked her lips, thinking of an answer.

“You haven’t given me anything, any type of answer,” he continued.  
“I know,” she said, stepping closer. 

“There’s a woman waiting for me, several doors down,” he emphasized, his hand pointing back towards the door.

“I know,” she whispered now in front of him.

“Doesn’t it hurt you,” he was pleading with her, “knowing that she’s in my quarters waiting for me? Knowing that I will be going to her after this?”  
“Of course it does,” she proclaimed with saddened eyes. “I never intended for things to happen this way Chakotay and I can’t think…I can’t fight my way out of it. Every scenario, every outcome ends badly for someone.”

“Dammit Kathryn, we can’t keep doing this,” but he showed no sign of leaving.

She sighed, then took one more small step and her body brushed against his. “We can’t,” she agreed verbally, “but I don’t have the fight in me to stop it either. Will you take from me what I am willing to give?”

When he didn’t move, she placed both of her hands on his chest and lifted herself on tiptoes. Her lips swept softly across his cheek and his hands naturally moved to settle on either side of her hips. When she pulled back, he dropped his darkened eyes to her’s then allowed them to drift further south. He relished in the exquisite view of her creamy cleavage.

She stepped out of his grasp awaiting an answer. The look she gave him was telling – follow me, as she turned towards the bedroom.

He made his decision in a split second. 

With one long step he reached her and placed a hand on her waist. She stopped. He could hear her breath catch but she remained motionless. His free hand slid around her and pushed under the loose silk of her robe, taking her breast into his hand. Moving in slow circles, his thumb played with her nipple, feeling it harden even more under his touch. 

Kathryn sighed, letting her head fall back onto his chest.

Still toying with her breast, Chakotay moved his hand from her waist and untied the silken bow of her robe, allowing it to fall open.

Her naked form was bared, her beautiful pale skin glowing softly in the dim starlight. Her nipples puckered in the cool air, begging to be sucked.

One of her hands slid up behind his neck and she guided his lips down to a sensitive spot below her ear, as she tilted her head to the side. She spread her legs and pushed her ass back into his protruding cock. He bit down on her soft skin at the movement. 

Her legs spread, Chakotay knew what she wanted next. As one hand continued grazing and pinching her sensitive pink nipples, drawing short gasps from Kathryn’s parted lips, the other ran down her torso. 

With his fingers spread, his hand glided over the top of her thigh and in between her legs. He began a light and teasing exploration of her folds, and a shiver ran the length of her body before she pushed herself into his hand.

“Slowly this time,” he muttered, his lips on her skin. His tongue started a journey down her neck and his hand left her breast to pull the silk from her shoulder, exposing more of her for him to taste. 

She whimpered in protest at his slow and gentle ministrations. His hand was slick with her. He knew she was aching when she fit her hand atop his and rubbed hard against her clit. He moved their hands to her opening and both plunged a finger inside. Her knees buckled, but he grabbed her waist, holding her upright. 

They continued this journey together, moving in sync, until he felt the first spasms of her orgasm taking hold of her body. Her head shifted immediately, her mouth finding his collarbone and she sucked on his tanned skin, silencing her cry.

A few remaining tremors racked her body before Chakotay moved their hands, still locked, to rest on her hip. Kathryn took several long and deep breaths but then she pulled him towards the bedroom. Slow is hard to do, he realized. 

He matched her pace and pulled the clothes from his own body on his way to her bed. He had stripped himself of his jacket, turtleneck and boots by the time he reached her bedside. She stood at the edge and had turned to face him, the back of her knees pushed into the mattress. She removed her arm from the silk and the robe fell to the bed. 

For the first time, he allowed himself to look over her completely naked body. He had been with beautiful women, but Kathryn Janeway was an exception. Bare and vulnerable before him he was breathless – indulging in a stolen moment. 

She watched him as he took her in, and even with the knowledge of their prior erotic encounters, she blushed at the intimacy of his look. 

Surrendering to her sexual hunger, Kathryn reached for him, grasped his wrist and pulled him against her. Her hands glided up his muscular arms and over his shoulders in appreciation of his physique. Fingers looping through the straps of his tank, they twisted around the material and she forcefully pulled him down to her. 

Their lips met firmly as their colliding bodies caused them to lost their balance. Kathryn fell back onto the bed and Chakotay’s hands reached out to stop himself from crashing on top of her. He was mere inches from her as their eyes met in a deadlock. 

“I need you,” she breathed desperate.

He helped her draw the tank up and over his head. Then her hands moved to his pants; she unfastened them and he lifted his hips so that she could shift his pants and boxers down over his thighs. He did the remaining work and kicked them from his ankles.

His hands on either side of her, he braced himself, hovering just above her body. Her fingertips moved over his chest, nails brushing his abdomen until she took his hard cock in her hands. She watched, licking her lips, as she stoked him up and down. 

Chakotay’s eyes closed as her graceful fingers traveled his length. Precum dripped onto her abdomen and he lowered his head, burying his face in her copper hair, splayed across the bed sheets. 

Unexpectedly, Kathryn thrusted her hips from the bed, wrapped her legs around his waist and twisted their position until she straddled him, his body underneath her. Startled, he quickly recovered and grasped her shoulders, pulling her body down to press against his, their mouths meeting in another passionate kiss. 

Her breasts pushed against him and their tongues locked just as she lifted her hips. Guiding his tip to her opening, she waited a brief moment before she thrust down onto him. He groaned into her mouth as his hands weaved into her hair. 

Kathryn increased her rhythm, rocking hard against his groin. His thrusts met hers. As they came closer and closer to ecstasy, Chakotay’s hands clutched her hips with a ferocity, fingerprints sure to leave a mark on her pale skin. 

Tossing her head back, she sat up and lifted herself off of him, barely remaining in contact, and then ground down onto him one final time, taking him fully inside of her with a sharp intake of breath. Sharp lights exploded behind his closed eyelids as he poured into her. 

Kathryn collapsed onto his chest. Their sweat soaked bodies entangled as they caught their breath. He wrapped his arms around her. One hand stroked her hair as he whispered her name. 

Unexpectedly, she disentangled herself from his grasp and moved to escape the bed. 

=/\=

The after is what frightened Kathryn most. As soon as they had surrendered to irrepressible passion, her real self, the staunch principled woman, came flooding back.

She couldn’t bear to remain in his arms. Staying with him was a false sense of a promise she was unwilling to make. 

Her feet were quiet on the carpeted floor, as if another sound would expose their scandalous secret. After activating her water shower, she climbed in before the water was warm. 

=/\=

He felt the warmth drain from his body as he watched her leave. Around her, he couldn’t control his actions, but afterward he felt empty. 

He stood from her bed and used the sheet to clean himself off. Taking a deep breath, he thought, I’m done. It was time to realize that the damaging aftermath of their adulterous affair outweighed the pleasure of the heated moment. 

Slowly he dressed. 

Briefly he looked in the mirror to ensure he was presentable and then left her quarters without looking back. 

=/\=

He entered the code to his door and strode into the low-lit quarters. Chakotay wasn’t positive that Seven would be there waiting for him until he saw her comfortably perched on his couch.

His heart beat heavily in his chest. He would have preferred to see her in the morning, but he understood her eagerness; it had been over two months. 

“I didn’t know if you were going to wait up for me,” Chakotay began.

Seven replied, “I have missed you.” She stood and walked towards him. With uneasiness hanging heavily in the air she asked, “Is everything okay with you,” and then embraced him tentatively.

Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and held her tenderly. She doesn’t deserve this, he thought before responding, “Yeah. My meeting just went later than expected. I am sorry to keep you waiting.” 

“How did your meeting with the Admiral go? She has seemed not herself.”

Seven had noticed, Chakotay thought. “Yes. Now that everything has gone successfully here, I’m sure she is relieved,” he answered.

“Strange. Dinner was at times…” she tilted her head slightly, looking for the correct word before stating, “awkward.”

“Seven, I don’t pretend to know all of the Admiral’s whims and moods,” he said more sternly than expected. He softened then, “I just try and do the best job possible for her.” 

“I didn’t mean anything by what I said,” she tried to explain, “it is just that you and the Admiral have always been close. She is fortunate to have you.” 

Chakotay stiffened slightly then let go of her, taking her hands in his. He stared into her eyes. The woman in front of him couldn’t disguise the naïve human nature he still saw in her. His demeanor relaxed as he bent to brush his lips sweetly against hers. She responded in kind.

She pulled away from him first. “I have missed your physical touch as well,” she admitted. 

He smiled when he saw her eyes drift to their entwined hands and a light blush spread across her cheeks.

“I have missed you too,” he conceded. His hand wandered to her face and he let his thumb trail along her cheekbone.

She lifted her gaze to him then. “I have something of an important nature I would like to discuss with you.” 

“Okay,” he replied, guiding them back to the couch. They sat, turned in towards one another.

“I have been thinking about our relationship since you departed for this mission. It has given me the appropriate amount of personal time to determine that I would like nothing more than to continue in this relationship with you,” she declared.

Chakotay wasn’t sure where she was headed with this but his conscience was pricking him. “Seven, I do think there are some things we need to discuss.”

“Allow me to continue,” she stated a bit nervously. “I have come to the conclusion that I would like to explore this more.” She paused, waiting to see if he comprehended what she was about to ask.

Shaking his head he pressed, “I don’t know if I completely understand what you are saying.”

“Chakotay, I would like to enter into marriage with you,” she finally stated bluntly.

His mouth fell open – this is not what he had expected. He was working his jaw but no words were coming out.

Watching him, Seven finally asked, “Do you understand my proposal Chakotay?”

“Well yes,” he finally choked out, “but I have to admit, I didn’t expect that.”

“I am not always predictable Chakotay, but I am logical,” she reasoned.

Turning his head and playing with his earlobe he responded, “I guess you could say that.” He turned to look at her seriously. “Seven, you have thought about this and you are certain?”

“Very,” she answered.

=/\=

Chakotay showered before bed. He could still feel Kathryn on his skin – could smell her fragrance.

When he returned to his bedroom, Seven was waiting for him. His head swam as their bodies moved together – his thoughts still persistent, drawing out not-so-long-ago memories of the woman a few doors down, the woman he had always fantasized of making love to in this same bed.


	4. A Confession Born of Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was no sacrifice – it was a confession birthed of desire, want and ultimately, love. I love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am taking a chance with some of the Star Trek techno babble - hopefully it is all kosher.

Chapter 4:

Kathryn waited impatiently. She kept adjusting her weight from one foot to the other with her hands clasped behind her back. No one could see her nervously picking at her nails. The small chat of the other Admirals that surrounded her was insufferable. She had half a mind to tell them all to “shut the hell up” so she could wait in silence.

The senior officers from Voyager would soon arrive to the main Starfleet transport station. It had been a long and agonizing three months. 

Voyager had left Eugaria IV and headed straight into another assignment that took them to the farthest reaches of the Cardassian Union. Captain Chakotay had voiced his opinion. He preferred another ship take point on this specific mission; however, circumstances whittled out Voyager as the best option. 

Devastated after the Dominion War, Starfleet was shorthanded on ships, especially those that could successfully navigate asteroid fields, strong gravitational fields and erratic planetary geomagnetic interference. All three plagued Thyon V, a planet just outside the borders of the Cardassian Union, but protected by the Federation’s charter. Coming off of their recent success, Voyager and her crew were targeted.

Strict schedules were set for Captain Chakotay for the formidable mission ahead of him. The main objective was to meet with the Prime Minister on Thyon V to discuss a recent conflict - Cardassian raiders targeting Thyon’s primary supply routes. With intimidating force, resources transported between Thyon and their farthest moons were being hijacked by “so-called” Cardassian marauders, preventing trade agreements from being met.

The Federation’s alliance with the Cardassians was still shaky at best, so nerves were high on the outcome of the mission.

Voyager travelled outside of communications range with Starfleet three weeks into their mission – so began the Admiral’s waiting game.

When Voyager didn’t check in on the scheduled date and no subspace transmissions were received, she kept her composure. Her next move was to immediately report it to her superiors at Starfleet Command. Actions were taken to send a science exploration vessel, The Preamble, to first communicate and then rendezvous with Voyager. 

Three more days passed. 

Voyager’s mission had been dangerous. Any number of things could have gone wrong, but the idea of illegal capture by Cardassians frightened her the most. 

Kathryn wasn’t naïve to what life as a Cardassian prisoner meant. Flashbacks of her capture attacked her throughout the day, arousing a deep and dark fear she had buried decades ago. The thought of Chakotay, an ex-Maquis for which they would surely have intelligence, in their unforgiving hands made her physically sick. 

Sedate in her chair around the large meeting room table, Kathryn remained silent at the impromptu meetings called to discuss updates on the Voyager crew. There was a gnawing guilt afflicting her. It wasn’t her custom to have to sit in an office and wait – she would have preferred to be with the missing crew.

The silence, the not knowing it was excruciating.

_Chakotay_ , she thought under duress, _what have I done to us?_

With the safety of Voyager’s crew weighing in the balances, Kathryn didn’t sleep. The emptiness in Chakotay’s eyes when she had left him in her bed haunted her – it was the last time she had seen him. It had been a decision based upon her holy principles, which in so many ways she had already shattered. 

Kathryn refused to change out of her uniform or leave her computer willing it to blink to life with news of Chakotay. She wanted to be ready at a moment’s notice should she be needed. An unrestrained truth came roaring back to her at 0400 hours, I regret everything...so many mistakes. Crossing her arms on the desk in front of her, she laid her weary head down falling into a fitful rest on a tear-soaked uniform sleeve.

“Admirals,” the young cadet startled her back to reality, “The Preamble and Voyager have just achieved orbit and Captains Bailey and Chakotay will be beaming down momentarily. 

Kathryn’s nerves were shot. 

The Preamble had contacted Starfleet the moment they were in communications range of Voyager. The ship had not answered hails. Captain Bailey’s communication came in garbled, “Voyager…reached range…dead…water.” Grief stricken, Admiral Janeway ordered her assistant, “Get this cleaned up! I can’t understand a damn thing she’s saying.”

Seventy-six hours after being instructed to go after Voyager, Captain Bailey contacted Admiral Janeway on a clean comm line. “Admiral, I have good and bad news for you.”

“Always start with the bad,” Janeway instructed her, mentally steeling herself. 

“In pursuit of a Cardassian raider ship, Voyager was caught in a gravitational flux produced by one of Thyon’s moons. They sent out emergency hails but communications were short ranged due to the strong geomagnetic interference from the planet. The ship was forced into an asteroid field of which they were unable to escape. Voyager was battered and took a lot of damage.”

“Wait,” Janeway protested, “in pursuit of a Cardassian vessel? Captain Chakotay was given strict orders to deal only with the representatives of Thyon and not to engage the Cardassians.”

“You’ll have to take that up with him ma’am,” Bailey replied.

“With him?” Suddenly Kathryn realized she hadn’t asked the right question. “Are Chakotay and the others,” she trailed off, holding her breath while waiting for the answer.

“That’s the good news. There were no casualties,” Bailey finished with a smile.

Kathryn breathed a deep sigh of relief. “Thank you Bailey,” she said tightening her quavering lips. 

“Voyager is still a bit in shambles. Their comm systems are down and the subspace array is inoperative. I can be the intermediary while towing Voyager back to Deep Space Nine,” the captain suggested.

“That will be fine. I look forward to seeing everyone home safe and sound.” Kathryn shut her computer just in time to let her body succumb to the pent-up anxiety she had been holding in. 

Standing here now, Kathryn felt like she may self-combust if she had to wait another moment to see Chakotay safe and sound. 

The familiar hum of the transporters reverberated through the room, two forms materializing in front of them. 

Kathryn fought back the emotions that threatened to pour out of her at the sight of her former First Officer. She wanted to go to him, to pull him in her arms and let him know how grateful she was that he was alive, to let him know that if anything would have happened to him it would have killed her.

His eyes searched the room and she stared at him, eager for him to acknowledge that she was right there, waiting for him to return home. When their eyes finally met, it was brief as his gaze broke from her and continued probing the room. 

The doors to the transporter room opened and another figure entered. Before Kathryn could turn to see whom it was, Chakotay rushed to her, gathering her in his arms – Seven of Nine. As if slapped across the face, Kathryn’s eyes stung and her jaw clenched as she swallowed a choking breath. It was no longer her that Chakotay looked for in a full room. 

For the second time in the course of a week, Kathryn regretted everything.

=/\=

The golden honey liquid swirled one final time around the broad base of the glass before she tilted the remaining contents into her opened mouth. The flowing burn warmed her throat but cooled her nerves. 

What she was preparing for had her off balance; it was selfish. Hell, the past several months of her life was littered with selfish desires born into existence. 

But this wasn’t the normal selfishness she was accused of due to self-sacrifice. She was used to that. “Captain goes down with the ship.” She couldn’t even remember how many times she had voiced those words in the Delta Quadrant.

This was no sacrifice – it was a confession birthed of desire, want and ultimately, love. _I love him._

Why had she waited so long? Self-sacrifice stemmed from guilt stemmed from self-loathing stemmed from a decision. A decision made so long ago that she didn’t even know if anyone still hated her for it. She hated herself in the Delta Quadrant. That hate yielded her no mercy when it came to happiness. 

No more. 

It took almost losing him to know what was in front of her – to know there could be no more games, no more lies and no more regrets. 

Kathryn was done causing pain to those around her and more importantly, to herself. Regrettably, she had already inflicted unknown pain upon her protégé, but Seven also deserved the truth and to know sooner than later – that is if Chakotay would still have her.

She shivered, her nerves trying to regain hold of her – to stop her. Her tongue probed the interior of the glass, gathering up any last remnants of whiskey. If she were going to go through with this, she needed to leave now. 

=/\=

Chakotay splashed a bit of cool water on his face. He didn’t expect a surprise cocktail party, let alone Seven of Nine to plan one for him. A quiet night at home would have been preferable.

Not wanting to discount her efforts, he put a smile on his face. In no time he relaxed; the old gang was back together. He missed a lot of his old crewmates and knew he didn’t see Tom, B’Elanna, Harry and the Doctor nearly as much as he would like. 

Kathryn arrived, fashionably late. He shouldn’t have been surprised. Of course Seven would invite the Admiral. But maybe he was shocked that she agreed to attend. He didn’t have much to say to her. Everything regarding their mission would be outlined in the debriefings that started tomorrow morning. 

He also couldn’t take his eyes off of her. They were all in civilian clothing dressed nicely for a cocktail party, but what had possessed Kathryn to wear that royal blue silk dress, he would never know. It wasn’t just him that noticed the thin straps, the way it contoured her hips all the way to her calf, and the dangerous slope it made between her breasts hugging her cleavage. The guys were huddled together when the Admiral made her entrance and a low whistle escaped Tom’s lips, low enough that B’Elanna wouldn’t hear it anyway. The rest just stared, mouths slightly ajar. 

Chakotay needed a quick break – he was heated by her audacity and unfortunately by the way she looked in that daring dress. 

“One moment,” he uttered as the chime sounded to the fresher. He grabbed a towel wiping the cool water droplets from his face. Ding, ding, it sounded again. He sighed heavily and looked into the mirror annoyed, before dropping the towel into the sink. Frustrated he answered the door, “I said just a…” and she pushed him back into the small room, following him in. 

Immediately she engaged the locking mechanism. “Kathryn,” he looked at her like she was crazy, “what the hell are you…” and she lunged towards him. Her mouth met his in exhilarated breath as her hands locked behind his neck, gaining a strong hold on him. 

For a moment, he responded to her urgency. 

His hands grasped her waist and fingers spread over her ribcage as he kissed her back. That moment stood still – a breathless high. 

She moaned into his mouth and everything came to a halt. What am I doing?

He stopped his lips from devouring her and his hands gripped her upper arms to push her away - he needed to put some space between them. “Kathryn,” he started, gulping for air, “this isn’t like you. What is this,” he questioned, shocked by her behavior. His eyebrows furrowed in concern. 

She looked ashamedly down to the side before retorting, “You haven’t seemed to mind.” Her implication was clear.

His back stiffened at her comment. “For God’s sakes, what is wrong with you?”

“I came here…I came here to tell you,” she repeated herself, not able to finish with a coherent thought. Looking at her feet and still avoiding his gaze, she continued softly, “Listen Chakotay, I want to discuss us, to discuss our relationship.”

Shaking his head he stated plainly, “We aren’t doing this right now. And by ‘doing this’ I also mean having this conversation. You made it abundantly clear last time what our relationship was. I won’t keep doing this to myself, to Seven…to you.” 

It took a minute for her to build up the courage, but when she finally turned back to face him the words came spilling from her mouth. “Chakotay, I was wrong, so wrong. And I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for everything. God, I almost lost you.”

He cut in, “I’m right here. Kathryn, we’ve had closer calls than this – are you okay?”

She voice was strained as she continued, “I have so many regrets - keeping us apart for so many years, for pretending there wasn’t something there, for forcing you to push your feelings aside, for thinking I had a right to make you wait for me,” and then she slowed, “for not knowing and saying this sooner.”

He watched as her eyes take on a shiny haze. He tried to catch every word as they tumbled from her lips, her typical composure gone. When her voice slowed he stopped her. “Wait Kathryn, just wait. Take a breath,” he assured her. “And don’t be upset,” he said softly as one tear escaped her eyelashes and trailed down her cheek. He moved his hand to wipe it gently away with his thumb.

“Now tell me,” he continued, “what do you mean by not knowing sooner?”

She steadied herself before continuing, “I’ve been foolish and blind. This whole time, I thought what I was doing was right. You have to believe me – I never meant to hurt you or Seven.” She looked down again when she said Seven’s name. 

“It’s okay now,” Chakotay intervened. “We’ve moved on. Of course I was disappointed but I need to look ahead. Kathryn, I could never truly be mad at you for long. And Seven, she doesn’t need to know. It would just cause her unnecessary pain.”

Agitated, Kathryn pulled away from his grasp and took his hands in hers. She stalled, unsure if she should proceed, but then made up her mind. “You aren’t listening to me Chakotay.” Her eyes riveted on his, she silently implored him to understand. When he shook his head in confusion, she spoke slowly, “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you this sooner - I can’t live without you.”

The words, so long unspoken, hung heavy in the small room. Kathryn succumbed to her emotions under the lifted burden as tears streamed down her face. She squeezed his hands and then brought them to her lips. She kissed the tops of his knuckles then turned her head to rest her cheek on them, hoping for some reassurance.

Unobserved, Chakotay’s face drained of color. His mind was a rolling sea as tumultuous thoughts tumbled over one another. _I’ve finally made a decision that I thought I could live with and this is what you do to me? You push me away and then bring me back to you. It’s always a game and one that I’ve never won. And every time I lose I tell myself I’ll never play again – until you ask me. “IT’S TOO LATE,”_ he wanted to scream. 

Instead, he drew her to him. 

Taking several deep breaths, her body settled against his. He ran his hands up and down her back, comforting her. “Kathryn, it’s going to be okay. We’ve gotten through worse, right? Everything will be all right.” He repeated the same words over and over, hoping to convince himself.

Doubtful she looked up at him, her eyes still blurry. “Was I wrong to do this Chakotay? Have I made another huge mistake coming here and telling you this?”  
“Well, the timing isn’t great, but no,” he whispered. He let go of her to cradle either side of her face, “I needed to know. But Kathryn,” he said, more intently, “we need to talk. There’s something very important I need to tell you.”

She nodded her head in acknowledgement. 

“And I need to talk to Seven as soon as possible. Somehow, we’ll fix this.”

Kathryn still hadn’t heard the affirmation she wanted, that she needed. “Will you still have me Chakotay?”

For the first time he saw doubt in her eyes. She knew it might be too late. But there was only one lie he had told himself – that he could love someone as much as he loved her.

He had hesitated and she stirred in front of him; her apprehension was palatable. 

“Yes.”

The uncertainty between them vanished, replaced with surety. Kathryn’s fear diminished and Chakotay stirred by her words of devotion, they allowed the built-up tension to melt away – they had almost lost each other. 

Their eyes darkened. A desperate need for physical contact surged between them, a connection that vowed a promise for the future. 

When their lips met, they locked onto one another as if they would never let go. Chakotay’s hands ran over the smooth exposed skin of her shoulders up her neck and tangled in her hair. He clenched the tresses in his hands as he pulled her closer, as though she was the oxygen he needed to breath. 

Her mouth moved against his, urgent and hungry, while her tongue pushed against his delicious lips, begging for entrance. As he opened his mouth, their tongues found each other quickly and entwined in their own embrace. 

Kathryn reached for his shirt and grasped the material in her hands as she pulled his body towards her. Her hands then moved to the buttons and started unfastening them one by one, revealing his golden tanned skin. She pulled her mouth from his and allowed her lips to trail down the length of his neck until she reached his chest. She moved from one nipple to the other as her tongue swirled around his hardened nub and then she nipped him. 

Chakotay closed his eyes as her mouth played over his body and her nails traced over his abdomen. An extreme heat overtook him and his cock bulged against his pants. He moved one hand from her tangled hair to the clasp of his pants, but she stopped him. 

As her mouth continued a southern decent, her tongue indulgently licked at his salty skin. The fastener of his pants she undid to give him relief from his growing erection. She kneeled in front of him as she pulled the clothing from his hips and his cock sprung free. 

Chakotay let out a groan and turned his head down to look over her form: copper colored hair, creamy smooth skin and royal blue silk blended to create a magnificent mosaic. 

Kathryn kissed the base of his cock and trailed hot wet kisses up his length until she curved her tongue over his tip. Her mouth felt amazing on every inch of him. She licked the precum from his penis and a shiver ran the length of him. 

The heat from her mouth a foregleam of the pulsating heat between her legs, he reached to clutch her upper arms and pulled her upright, desiring to be inside of her. 

He kissed her swollen lips one more time before he planted both palms on her hips and lifted her onto the vanity. It was his turn to satiate his hunger with the taste of her skin. She tilted her head back and he pressed his lips to the beating pulse of her neck. Kathryn’s mouth parted and a deep sigh escaped her. 

With eagerness, his mouth moved over her flushed skin. Her hardened nipples strained against the silk as his thumbs maneuvered in meandering circles over them. When he reached the silken edge of her dress that contoured between her breasts, his tongue licked the narrow valley before he suckled the sensitive skin. Kathryn’s breathing was labored as she beseeched him, “I need to feel you inside of me, please,” her head nudging the mirror behind her. 

Chakotay hitched the blue silk of her dress up her thighs to her hips inch by agonizing inch. With her fingers spread on the cold granite underneath her, she lifted herself so he could slide the material up over her ass. She spread her knees and revealed her soaked lace panties – her wetness glistened on the insides of her thighs.  
He splayed his fingers across the soft skin of her hips and bent his head to lick the wet arousal from her inner thighs. Her legs shuddered under his mouth as she bit down on her lip. 

Gently, he worked her panties down her body and stopped briefly only to lick her pulsing folds. She yelped and he looked up to her as a caution to remain quiet. When her toes flicked the last bit of lace from her, Chakotay gradually pulled her forward to the edge of the vanity. 

Positioned between her legs, he maneuvered his cock to her opening and slid inside of her. Both of them allowed their eyes to close in the extreme pleasure – Chakotay had filled her lustful throbbing desire and Kathryn had encompassed him, hot and tight.

She placed her arms atop his shoulders and held her wrists around his neck as her ankles locked about his frame. 

Chakotay thrust into her and pulled out as his hands held her hips and guided her movements. The rhythm was set and continued to build. He lowered his head to her shoulder and bit down to muffle the moans that threatened to depart his mouth. 

Kathryn had buried her face in the crook of his neck, right below his ear, her lips now raw from where her teeth had broken skin. 

Several strong thrusts and Kathryn’s walls clenched around him and he felt her body begin to spasm. Her teeth caught hold of the delicate skin of his neck and he sheathed himself within her one final time before the world around him went supernova. 

He stumbled a bit but her secured ankles caught him. He moved his hands about her waist as a couple aftershocks pulsed through her. With heaving breaths, they remained wrapped in an embrace and held onto each other, riding out the remnants of their climax. 

=/\=

Kathryn had quickly pulled herself together although still flushed. She looked in the mirror one final time, running her hands through her tousled hair to tame it. Contented with her image, she smoothed her hands over the silk of her dress as she looked back to Chakotay. 

“We’ll talk again, soon?” She asked sheepishly but had full confidence that Chakotay would want to rectify the whole situation as soon as possible and then put it behind them. 

“Yes, as soon as I can get away for just a bit,” he reassured her, “but I really need to speak with Seven first. Then, all of us can move forward.” He took her fingertips into his hand and brought the inside of her wrist to his lips. The smile that spread over her face made him lightheaded all over again.

She gave her head a small nod and then walked out of the fresher. 

Chakotay acted quickly then and ensured nothing was out of place. A few items had been shoved from their normal location during their heated tryst. Moving everything back into place, he zipped the fly of his pants and fixed the collar of his shirt. Glancing in the mirror he saw a soft smudge of lipstick that he wiped from his neck. 

He was ready to return to the guests and put an end to the party. The most important thing now was to speak with Seven. This wasn’t the homecoming he had envisioned but she needed to hear this from him. 

All along he should have known this wouldn't work - not with Seven, not while he still pined for another woman. 

Kathryn’s timing couldn’t have been worse. And they would both face their own demons about their decision to be together, but perhaps there was some small chance he could at least salvage a friendship with Seven for him and Kathryn. Maybe not at first, but time was the ultimate healer.

He stepped from the fresher; taking a deep breath he walked down the hallway and rounded the corner into the living area where everyone was gathered. Seven stood among the crowd, everyone gathered around her. A champagne flute was in one of her hands and a food utensil in the other – clanging against the fragile glass. 

“Someone get Chakotay a glass too,” Tom said excitedly. 

With a large smile on his face, Harry handed Chakotay a glass of champagne as the bubbles fizzled up and over the edge onto their hands. Harry then pushed him through the crowd to stand with Seven. 

“What’s this all about,” Chakotay tried to question Seven under his breath. 

Seven’s eyes dazzled looking at him without answering. “Everyone, as you all know, this surprise party was to celebrate Chakotay’s return. It was a close call out there, but then again haven’t we all faced close calls together?”

Everyone chuckled at the sentiment and Chakotay let his eyes travel the room. When he caught sight of Kathryn he sensed her looming discomfort. 

“But that isn’t the only reason I’ve gathered all of our friends together,” Seven continued. Chakotay turned to look at her. He had been anxious but now he was terrified. He wanted desperately to pull her into the other room before she went any further.

“Chakotay and I have come to realize what we mean to each other. And after these recent events, and almost losing him, I don’t think I want to wait any longer.” Looking out to all of their friends Seven announced, “Chakotay and I are engaged.”


	5. A Beautiful Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tilting her head to the side as she looked at him, he was studying her with intensity – waiting for her next move. Softly lamenting she shook her head, “The first time I told you what you mean to me, that I was truly honest with you, you were promised to another woman.” She couldn’t bear to keep his gaze as her eyes moved to look at their feet. “What does that say about us?”
> 
> In the end, can the broken pieces be mended?

Chapter 5:

Rain drizzled down the wet locks of her hair, the droplets creating a trail of an undetermined path as they zig-zagged down cheekbones, some catching in her eyelashes. She licked the wetness from her lips. Getting caught in the rain had been unexpected, but then again, so was ending up here at Chakotay’s front door. 

Her destination had been a coffee shop not far from home, but lost deep in thought, her feet had walked her right past the deep rich aroma of freshly churned coffee beans that wafted out onto the sidewalk. Kathryn was unassuming – numb by now. The last time she had exited through this doorway she left completely disgraced, excuses streaming from her mouth to justify her abrupt departure. Maybe it was karma. 

She didn’t want to hear an explanation; she didn’t even know if she wanted to be healed; Kathryn was calloused. Each message or communication received from the Captain she answered with a simple, “Computer, delete.”

It was with quiet acceptance that she had requested Voyager and her crew be reassigned under another admiral. 

Fingers trembling, they stopped inches from the door chime. The inside of his home was dark and eerily quiet, doubtfully anyone was inside. Their timing was never right. This was a bad idea – just like all of the other decisions she made when it came to Chakotay. Today would be no different.

She lowered her hand and glanced around her before pulling her jacket tight and bending her head, ducking back into the unrelenting rain. 

=/\=

The fireplace crackled as he finished off one more beer, placing the bottle next to the empty glass filmed with an amber hue. The darkened room combined with the empty bottles and drained rocks glass was a mental state – let me forget.

Nothing was as it should be. 

The crackling and snapping flames cast dancing shadows on the walls of his empty apartment. He stared into the fire and lost himself. 

A long shadow fell across his chair and onto his lap – a woman’s silhouette. He lazily traced the edges of the darkness with his fingers. This woman was a visage of his cruel imagination. There was no longer a woman in his life that would have him. The empty pit in his stomach ached at the loss.

The movements almost seemed real, how the arm drew up and then faltered. He wanted them to be real. Slowly the dark shadow withdrew. He laid his head back onto the chair and lazily turned to look towards his front door. 

Someone was there.

He jumped from his relaxed position, his foot hitting the low table in front of him. Two bottles fell to their sides and rolled back and forth until they came to a quiet stop. The front door was only three strides from his high-backed chair. His hand was immediately on the handle when he reached the door, swinging it open.

A woman, her back was to him. Was it her? He blinked, trying to clear the alcohol from his encumbered eye lids. Her feet were moving quickly as if trying to escape.   
“Kathryn,” he called, hopeful. 

The drenched figure stopped but didn’t turn. Water dripped from her fingertips and the bottom of her jacket, sloshing at her feet. 

“It’s you, isn’t it,” he voiced more confident.

She turned then, her eyes meeting his. He was unsure if the droplets sliding down her face were from the falling rain. 

Kathryn didn’t say a word as he lunged bare foot from his front door into the persistent rain and gathered her into his arms, letting the wet soak through his clothing. He held her, neither one moving from where they stood. 

=/\=

“Chakotay,” she looked at him surprised, but addressed him with excitement in her voice, “I wasn’t expecting you.”

Seven still stood in the doorway blocking his entrance. “Mind if I come in,” he questioned timidly.

“Of course not,” she replied and moved to the side. He crossed through the doorway but remained at the entrance nervous to make himself at home. 

She quirked her head to the side sensing his unease, “Are you functioning within parameters?” Seven caught her mechanical word choice and rephrased the question, “Is everything okay with you Chakotay?”

He couldn’t help the small smile twitching at his lips. Seven had become such a large part of his life and the nuances that made her so special, so unique, reminded him of why he had started a meaningful relationship with her. She was unlike anyone else he had ever known. This wouldn’t be easy.

“I am functioning well,” he couldn’t help but tease her. “But Seven, can we talk?”

She regarded him with a puzzled look, “We always talk.” Then quickly dismissed what she thought to be an irrelevant question. “In fact,” she said then taking his hand, “there are some things I want to show you. I’ve been making arrangements.” As she walked him into her living room, she turned to face him, a large smile on her face, “Or I should say I’ve been wedding planning.”

He looked back at her, his breath catching in his throat, as his feet came to a halt. Before he said another word, his eyes drifted over the room and he noticed the PADDs on the table – all with pictures of dresses, flowers and invitations displayed. Chakotay’s gaze then drifted to his feet as he sighed deeply.

“Seven,” he said, his nerves reaching his voice, “we really need to talk.”

“Yes,” she said, her earlier confusion turning into agitation, “that’s what I would like to do as well.”

“No. I mean, yes, but it’s not what you think.” His voice was already quavering with what he knew he would have to say next. “Let’s sit down.”

~

“You have deceived me. The words you have told me, the feelings behind them, they have all been untruthful!” The words tore out of her in ragged breaths as she reached for her coat by the door.

“That isn’t true,” Chakotay tried to interject as he followed her.

“DO NOT SPEAK.” Seven pronounced each syllable with a deep gravel in her voice. “I no longer believe you.” She refused to face him as she marched to the door.  
Chakotay caught her wrist to stop her. “Where are you going? Let me explain.”

“I am angry. I am hurt and saddened. More than anything I am unable to process what you have told me – I feel disjointed. But what I do know, is that I do not want to be in your presence.” With that, she easily removed her hand from his clutch, although he put up no fight in return.

“Seven.” It was a soft plea that he couldn’t reinforce with any comfort. 

She finally turned to look at him and he could see the emotions playing across her eyes, fighting to gain control. He had been by her side since returning to Earth, journeying with her on so many new experiences as she delved further into her humanity. This was the one journey he could not take with her – a broken heart.

“I am leaving.” 

“I should be the one to go,” Chakotay argued, “this is your home.”

She opened the door and walked over the threshold, turning one last time to close the door behind her. “Remove all of your items from my home. I do not want them here when I return.” 

The door slid back into place, severing the future they had planned.

=/\=

Even in her damp and cold clothing, his embrace offered warmth and reassurance. This is why she was here. She had come for him. But when she took a hold of his forearms and removed herself from his grasp, she didn’t restrain her hand as it flew through the air and made firm contact with his cheek. 

His head jilted to the side and a splash of red blushed across his face from where her hand had just landed. 

She tensed in anticipation of his reaction, her hands clenched into fists at her sides. Her jaw was set but when he stared back at her in disbelief the poignant questions rolled off her tongue, “How could you? Why didn’t you tell me?” Her lips quivered, holding back the emotion.

Chakotay rubbed his cheek with the palm of his hand. “That isn’t really fair, is it?”

“Everything I told you. I bared myself to you and you let me go on and on without saying anything?” She was shocked – embarrassed – regretful of how she had allowed herself to open up emotionally to him but worst, hurt that he had allowed her to do so. “You were engaged Chakotay.”

He ran his fingers through his hair exasperated. “What did you want from me? Kathryn when you came to me, it was so sudden, out of nowhere. I barely had time to process what you were telling me.”

He was right and she knew it. But it didn’t hurt any less that he had agreed to marry Seven. She bit her lower lip, trying to quell back the tears she did not want to shed. Placing her arms around herself, she tilted her head to the sky and closed her eyes, the rain hitting her already damp face. A deep breath lifted her chest as she let the consequences of their actions soak in.

“I just don’t understand how,” she spoke slowly, “how you could say yes to her, if you felt anything for me.”

It was a thought he had pondered himself, over and over. He had no answer.

“Why did you ever start a relationship with her knowing what we had?” 

“Kathryn, I could give you so many excuses – that I felt backed into a corner, that I was hurt because I didn’t think you wanted a relationship with me, that I don’t want to be alone anymore, and there is truth to all of it. So much time had gone by between me and you.” He shook his head, unable to continue.

“But,” she asked shifting her head to look at him.

“But the truth is, it never should have happened. And I’m an asshole. I’ve been that to you and I’ve been a fucking bastard to Seven.” Chakotay then rubbed his hands over his face, the guilt weighing heavily on his shoulders again, his stature sinking under the burden.

Kathryn saw it then, the dark rings under his eyes, the unkempt hair and unshaven face. This had taken a hard toll on him. Guilt and regret were not two easy things to live with and she knew it as much as anyone.

“Hey,” she said, “you haven’t been the only one in the wrong.” She pulled one of his hands away from his face so she could see his eyes. “I’ve done terrible things, been completely unfair to you and I’ve been no better to Seven.”

“I was the one that had committed to her,” he said softly.

“So, I’m assuming things with her have…”

“It’s over. I’ve ended it, much too late.”

Kathryn swallowed before asking the next questions. “Is she okay? Will she be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Chakotay said seriously, “because I haven’t heard from her since I broke it off. But, I’ve asked the Doctor to check in with her.”

Kathryn nodded her head in silent acknowledgement. She wasn’t quite sure where to go from here. Tilting her head to the side as she looked at him, he was studying her with intensity – waiting for her next move. Softly lamenting she shook her head, “The first time I told you what you mean to me, that I was truly honest with you, you were promised to another woman.” She couldn’t bear to keep his gaze as her eyes moved to look at their feet. “What does that say about us?”

Two silhouettes faced each other, the rain pouring down, beating and drenching their battered souls. As close as they were the distance between them was lightyears. So many years of dishonest games and hardened feelings had led to this moment. 

His hands rose to caress either side of her face, thumbs gently gliding over her cheekbones as he raised her gaze to look at him directly. “I don’t pretend that I haven’t made mistakes Kathryn…so many and so many of them at your expense.” Leaning in he whispered against her forehead, “I am so sorry,” as his lips brushed over her skin. Drawing back he continued, “I will always face the consequences of our past, but today – I want to start new, with you. That is, if you will have me.”

Kathryn’s eyes shut briefly, her face still encompassed in his large palms. She didn’t hold back the tears this time as a finality to their tumultuous actions ebbed its way from her heavy heart. She had needed to know Chakotay still wanted her. She needed to know she could forgive him and hopefully forgive herself in the process.  
“Today, we start new,” she said her eyes opening to meet his, tears of joy now streaking down her cheeks and over his thumbs. 

“I love you Kathryn Janeway. I love you.” He breathed the words as his head bent, his lips meeting hers. 

With no fear, no trepidation no buried guilt, she succumbed to him, indulging in the gentle caress of his lips - feeling everything as if it were the first time.   
Chakotay’s kiss was soft with a hint of whiskey as his tongue moved over her lower lip. She wanted to taste him as she pulled one of his luscious lips into her mouth and she nibbled on it tenderly. With mingled breath, she enjoyed the delicious intimacy of their tongues meeting and teasing between their mouths. 

Chakotay groaned as her tongue explored his mouth bringing his hands to her forearms and finally breaking their kiss. He stared at her swollen lips and then her sparkling eyes before noticing her soaked hair and water laden coat. “Come with me,” he said, taking her hand and guiding her to his front door.

=/\=

Seven wasn’t ready to see him. When her thoughts drifted towards her memory of him she still felt uneasy and upset. 

“Time is the ultimate healer,” the mantra repeated over and over in her head, both advice from the counselor she had started seeing as well as the Doctor. He had contacted her not long after Chakotay had broken off the engagement and ended their relationship. Seven had resisted talking to anyone at first, but the Doctor had persisted and ultimately been exactly what she had needed – a listening ear.

Weeks had gone by since her and Chakotay’s last interaction, the breakup. Perhaps it was longer, over a month. Had it really been that long? At first, she tracked the hours and then the days, but now time blurred. 

Seven was about to set out on a new journey, one that was her own. Finally, she felt ready to collect her things from his place. This act would put the finality to their relationship that she needed. The closure would be good for her. It was a belief that had taken her time to grasp, but with professional help and the advice from the Doctor, she now knew it was important to gain that clarity before taking off back to the stars.

Starfleet had proposed many different offers to her, most she had refused in order to stay close to Earth. At first, where she lived had been of utmost importance so that she could continue building on her relationships: friends from Voyager, her respected tutelage from the Admiral and of course her budding intimacy with Chakotay. But now she was ready for something different and ready to be independent, wanting to rely on her own instincts.

When the offer for a long-term deep space mission was passed on to her, she readily accepted it. Distance, along with time, would be her healer. 

Entering the security code that Chakotay had given her, Seven pulled up the security holo-recorders to his apartment. It was a strange thought to need such security measures on a planet governed within the Federation, but Chakotay had taken the precautionary measure when so much attention had been bestowed upon his ex-Borg girlfriend. A little extra care never hurt.

Now Seven was happy that he had. She wasn’t looking to intrude on his privacy, but if she could gather her things from his place and avoid seeing him, she preferred it that way. 

=/\=

Kathryn loved the feel of her hand in his, never wanting him to let her go again.

As they crossed the threshold of the door into Chakotay’s home, he reached for her coat. “Here, let’s get dried off,” he said taking the coat from her hands and hanging it up. She shivered in the cool damp air and walked towards the fireplace to warm herself.

“Computer,” he called, “lights at twenty percent illumination.”

“You were here, alone, in the dark, drowning yourself in regret,” she observed. He stepped up behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders as she stood palms out, letting the heat from the fireplace wash over her. “I should have come to your sooner.” There was deep sorrow and regret in her voice, “Seven isn’t the only one I let down.”

He tilted his head down to rest his cheek against her hair, his lips close to her ear. “Don’t. Hearing you blame yourself for my choices will only make us both feel worse.”

“I should have told you everything sooner – everything.”

“Stop. We said today we start new. No more regrets for us Kathryn.”

She turned then in his arms to face him and placed her hands on his chest as he wrapped his arms around her, hands clasped at the small of her back. “I love you too Chakotay. I can’t imagine why I never told you.”

Laying her head against his chest, she draped her arms around his neck and held onto him. They stood in perfect harmony – one figure with no separation, as the light from the fire cast shadows over them. 

“Can I dance with you,” Chakotay asked, breaking the silence along with the crack and snap of the flames. 

Without raising her head she murmured, “Hmmm, yes. That is where we started.”

“Computer, play Chakotay’s symphonic sounds file four, thirty-five percent volume.”

As the music started gradually, their bodies gently swayed. Chakotay brought one hand up to her damp locks of hair and let his hand rest there as he kissed the crown of her head. This is how it always should have been. The way she fit against him, melted into his shape, was perfect.

Their dance had started long before and always there had been a reason they had to stop, to leave each other’s warm embrace, but this time they continued, in no rush to let go. One song played and then another as they lost track of when one song ended and the next began.

As the music continued, Kathryn found herself pushing her body further into his embrace, pressing her lips to the hollow of his neck. He was warm and welcoming and she wanted to feel him as close as she remembered their mingled breath. Her fingers lightly massaged over his bronzed skin as her lips slipped to his collarbone. Chakotay soon felt his reaction to her ministrations; she felt it too, a nudge and push against her belly. 

Like tinder in the flames of the fireplace, their bodies began to fuel an unquenched fire, a lust that would not be tamed. 

Kathryn’s hand grasped the back of his neck as she lifted her head from his chest and pulled him down to her. This was not the gentle tender kiss outside in the rain. Her lips crushed against his as he met to devour her. Their tongues made immediate contact, spinning around each other, wanting to taste every inch of their inviting mouths. 

As Chakotay’s hands slid from the small of her back to cup her bottom and pull her against him, she groaned into his mouth. She felt him bulging against her and the ache between her legs started to reverberate. 

Breaking their kiss, Chakotay reached a hand into her hair and pulled her head to the side, elongating her fair skinned neck in front of him. He moved his mouth to below her ear and began to suck and lay hot kisses down her exposed skin, wanting it all to himself. 

He felt Kathryn’s nimble fingers on the buttons of his shirt, quickly baring the flesh of his chest and abdomen to her insistent hands. They roamed softly over his smooth skin, her nails leaving light trails as his flesh prickled under her touch. Her thumbs flicked over his nipples, as they perked and she tweaked them harder, causing him to nip at the soft flesh of her neck.

She groaned loudly and arched her back. Under her clothing, her nipples were hard and she ached between her legs in anticipation.

Pulling back from her wanting body, Chakotay looked at her dark and lustful eyes, his surely mirroring the same emotion. “I don’t want this to happen too quickly.”

Kathryn reached for him. “I need this. I need you,” she pleaded.

“Let me cherish you the way you have always deserved.” 

=/\=

The first holo-imager to come online was the one that faced his front door. The doorway and front porch were empty along with the street out front, grey and dismal as the rain fell. 

Seven switched to the inside view that monitored the living area. At first sight she saw the amber glow of the fireplace crackling to lighten the room. Scanning the remaining interior, her eyes stopped on the beer bottles and empty glass along with whiskey bottle scattered across a low table. Her heart sunk for a brief moment, connecting her sadness with his. Is he okay, she briefly thought, before wiping the concern from her mind. 

“Computer, magnify fifty percent.” It was hard to see everything within the living area due to the low illumination, but she did not see him. Surely Chakotay wouldn’t leave his home while the fireplace remained lit she surmised. Seven was worried, observing the scene of the emptied alcohol bottles. 

Perhaps he had fallen asleep in his stupor she deduced – that was an easy assumption to make. And yet, she felt uncomfortable. What if he wasn’t okay? Albeit a violation of privacy, it was logical to check his bedroom quarters to ensure his safety. Seven didn’t hesitate, switching to the holo-recorder that monitored his bedroom.

=/\=

Chakotay led her into his bedroom. He guided her to stand in front of the bed and then turned her to face him, the back of her legs brushing the mattress. She watched, a smile twitching at her lips, as he moved about the room, igniting a small fire, ordering for soft music and arranging a few candles for warm lighting.  
As he approached her, she offered, “You didn’t need to do that.”

“I wanted to. Now, shhh,” he silenced her as his hands moved to her petite frame. Slowly, his fingers traced over the silken material of her shirt, from her shoulders, gradually down her sides until he reached the bottom edge which he fingered lightly, before pulling the soft material up and over her head. Next, he untied the drawstring of her pants, pushing them down over her hips to finally pool at her feet.

Kathryn stood in front of him, a bra and panties all that remained as he took the chance to admire her. “You are always what I’ve truly wanted,” he said quietly, as if to himself, as the backs of his fingers gently flitted over her jawline. He saw the slight flush of her skin even in the candlelight, the contrast of the pink with her creamy skin always an enticement.

Chakotay placed his hands on her hips and took a step closer, bending his head so that he could massage his lips over her collarbone. Her head tilted back and she pushed her chest towards him, letting out a long deep sigh as his lips continued a trail down to the valley of her chest.

She reached behind her, unclasping her bra to let it fall from her arms, before reaching up to knit her fingers into Chakotay’s hair. 

His mouth was wandering, taking his time to learn her every inch. His tongue trailed over her already hard nipple as he let his hand graze over the other. Her fingers tensed and pulled in his hair as he took her whole nipple into his mouth, suckling, and then bit lightly at her very peak. Chakotay switched breasts, wanting to feel the full weight of each. As he continued, Kathryn’s sex sounds became increasingly loud, careless to the world around her.

Chakotay knew his teasing had gone on long enough when she pushed his head further south. He bent down in front of her and pulled the cotton from her hips as his mouth kissed the sensitive spots on her abdomen. 

Kathryn bucked against him when his mouth found the inside of her thighs. Her excitement had dripped down the side of her leg which Chakotay licked at voraciously. 

“Ohhhh, Chakotay,” the exclamation fell from her parted lips, half in ecstasy, half in want.

At that moment, his tongue licked at her folds causing her legs to spasm. She was already so close. His hands grasped her hips and pushed her onto the mattress, so that he could spread her legs for full access. 

Kathryn’s knees opened wide, one foot finding a hold on his shoulder as her hands tangled in the comforter of his bed. Her eyes were already rolling back into her head as his tongue trailed over her and he sucked on her sensitive nub. 

Chakotay lapped greedily at her, enjoying the taste. She squirmed under his hands in sheer bliss until he flicked at her nub one final time, letting her orgasm take her. Kathryn tensed around him, shockwaves rolling through her, as he softly brushed his nose over the inside of her thigh. 

As she came down, she reached out to him. “Come here.”

Taking a deep breath, she sat up and removed the already open shirt from his shoulders. She kissed his forehead blissfully before drawing him up to stand. Wiggling back into the middle of his bed, she watched as Chakotay removed his pants and boxers. 

In one long step, he was kneeling over her on the bed. Chakotay grasped her wrists in his hands and moved them above her head, pinning them against the comforter while he bent to ravage her lips with his own. She tugged against her constrained hands while he was sucking and nipping at her lips. Kissing the corner of her mouth, he moved along her jawline to her neck once more.

He let his body brush against her, feeling her hard nipples piercing towards him. With one knee between her thighs, he spread her wider, feeling her arousal slick his leg. “Wet again so soon,” he questioned moving his mouth to take her perked nipple fully into his mouth.

“You’re taunting me,” she breathed and then yelped when he sucked her hard, before moving to her other breast. He could spend a day lapping and nuzzling just her breasts. Biting down on her lower lip, still frustrated with her restraint, she rolled her head before begging, “Please, mmmm, let me feel you inside me.” Kathryn’s folds were swollen and ached for more attentions as her hips ground up against his leg, willing to fuck anything.

Finally, he let go of both her hands and took hold of her thighs, spreading them and anchoring her ankles at his shoulders while he positioned his tip at her opening. He pushed into her and they groaned in unison. Holding himself inside her, he waited for her to expand around him before pulling out slightly and pushing back in.   
Their eyes closed as they found a rhythm, both of them meeting each other to come together completely. He pushed on her legs, trying to reach into her depths. She fit him tightly as he struggled to hold on. Grinding against her top wall she began an almost incoherent chant of sex noises that spurred him on.

As they neared orgasm, Chakotay opened his eyes to look upon her. Her head twisted gracefully on the bed, hair sprawled around her and lips open in unbound pleasure. This – was – right, the thought hit him so hard as he quickened his pace eager to see the woman he loved come to her climax.

Two more hard pushes and Kathryn’s fists tightened their hold on the blanket, pulling as her body shuddered, her legs spasming against Chakotay’s body. It was a rippling affect that took him with her, as he emptied himself within her. 

Depleted of all strength, he pulled her legs to his side and toppled down beside her, draping an arm over her chest. Their breathing was ragged and skin dewy from their exertions, but happiness and love could be felt in every corner of the room. 

Today – this was their beginning.

=/\=

The illumination in Chakotay’s bedroom was low. This fireplace was also lit, offering a warm glow that flickered on the walls. There was more ambient lighting though with many candles burning throughout the room. She heard soft music playing before she caught sight of two figures standing next to the bed. 

Seven felt a jolt flow through her body – perhaps this was the second time she remembered having this sensation mixed with emotion – shock! Her heart pumped in her chest and her breath caught in her throat, this time the feeling was worse. Even in the low light, she knew one figure was Chakotay and the other was a woman. A petite woman. A woman with auburn hair that brushed her shoulders. A woman that she knew very well.

Seven had never seen the Admiral in this state before. Her eyes never moved from the image in front of her. The Admiral’s shirt had been removed and Seven watched as her former lover worked to remove Janeway’s pants, sliding them to the floor. Seven’s jaw set and her eyes clouded when Chakotay’s words echoed through the recording, “You are always what I’ve truly wanted.” 

She needed to stop watching. But her limbs were frozen in place and she didn’t order the computer to end the transmission. Her eyes narrowed when Chakotay stepped forward placing his hands on Admiral Janeway’s hips and then moved his lips along her collarbone, kissing and nibbling down the length of her chest, her bra coming undone and falling to the floor. 

Watching in horror, Chakotay continued pleasing her mentor in every fathomable way as she moaned and sighed in sheer pleasure. When Chakotay pushed the Admiral back onto his bed, opening her thighs, a foot placed on his shoulder, Seven jumped from her chair, slamming the computer shut. 

Her hands trembled of which she could not get them to stop shaking. Then she began to pace. Brain synapses were firing as varying questions and emotions invaded her thinking space. Betrayal: how long: disgust: lost trust: how did I not know: blinded: heart ache. Then one question pushed to the forefront – was this happening while we were together? 

A brief memory invaded her thoughts of a diplomatic dinner on Voyager – her unease at the closeness of a Captain and his Admiral. Her stomach twisted and curled as she ran to her fresher, believing the food she had eaten most recently may need to be expunged from her body. 

=/\=

“Ready for departure,” the Ensign asked as they approached Deep Space Nine in the shuttlecraft. 

“Yes,” came her flat reply.

“Seems like you are leaving so soon after having been in the Delta Quadrant so long. You are ready to leave Earth?”

“There’s nothing there for me anymore,” Seven paused for a long moment, “I wish to seek my independence.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I'm sorry sorry sorry this took so long - LIFE!
> 
> Second, this isn't a clean ending. It was never meant to be. There's a bit of beauty and tragedy as well - what else can come from cheating? But, I plan to make it up to all of you with an epilogue (down the road) and hopefully a bit more closure.


End file.
